While praying before the Blessed Sacrament, I often hear the voice of Jesus ask me, “What are you looking for my child?” This is a burning question which resides in the hearts of all men. We are people of desires and are looking for something or someone to fill in our void. Christ knows our hearts and desires much more than we do ourselves. We are looking so desperately for something, but what is it that we seek so much? This is a question that has particularly formed my pathway to seminary, and which still resides in my heart every time I am before the Lord.
From my first year of high school until my senior year, I searched and looked for something that would fulfill me. Yet, time after time, I failed to ever find happiness in the worldly things offered to me. No amount of money, food, pleasures, or entertainment could ever fill the void in my heart. Each time I attempted to fill the emptiness; my heart would burn for something greater than what was offered. “What are you looking for?!” screamed in my head day after day. Was I looking for food? No. Was I searching for money? No. Was I longing for physical pleasures? No. The material things of the world never seemed to satiate my hunger for fulfillment. What then was I yearning for if not these things? It became quite obvious that no matter how hard I tried, I was not looking in the right places or for the right things in my life. It was only in the moments that I placed myself before the Lord where I experienced fulfillment and true happiness. This sense of happiness gave me an immense amount of peace in my heart and a sense of purpose and meaning. The deep longing which burnt in my weary and burdened heart was put to rest as I fixed my heart upon the heart of Jesus: His Eucharistic Heart. All my desires, all my wants, and all my searching was present in the Heart of Jesus, in the Holy Eucharist. It is in the Holy Eucharist that I find my meaning, my purpose, and my identity as a
man. By being united to Christ through the Blessed Sacrament, I was able to grow deeper in the mystery of Christ: a greater appreciation for the gift of the Holy Eucharist and thus a new understanding of Christ’s love for me. However, not only the mystery of Christ but also the mystery of my humanity unraveled before me. I discovered how it is only in diving into the mystery of Christ that I can understand the mystery of myself. It was through this discovery that I came to understand who Christ was calling me to be and where Christ was calling me to go. Before Him, Christ asked me to follow Him and enter seminary. Christ was asking me to give myself totally to His Heart. It was only in my relationship and love for the Holy Eucharist that I was able to hear the voice of Christ calling me. It became evident that what I was seeking was life with Christ untied in the Eucharist, to abide in His Heart of Love. The greatest way, then, to abide in His heart was by accepting His invitation to be one of His priests. So, every time I am before Christ and He asks me in the depths of my heart, “What are you looking for my child?” I say in my heart just as Thomas Aquinas said to Jesus, “Non Nisi Te, Domine – Nothing except you, O Lord!”
Ray Seeley is a seminarian at St. John Paul II Seminary in Washington, D.C. His home parish is St. John’s in Westminster. Please pray for Ray.