Lauri Przybysz, MS Ed
ACT Column – Your Marriage the Great Adventure
March/April 2004

When Ted and Fiona told their friends three years ago that they were selling their home and moving to Bermuda, everyone was jealous of them. Is seemed like the dream of a lifetime. They soon emailed home pictures of the beautiful ocean view, the glowing sun-splashed beaches, and just the two of them, hand in hand, sporting shorts and sunglasses.

Now, three years later, Ted and Fiona are job hunting back in the States. Their friends are mystified. Who wouldn’t want to live on a tropical paradise?

Truth be told, this couple found that their expectations didn’t meet reality. They didn’t know how much they would miss the life they grew up with, their family and friends, American groceries and conveniences, and familiar sights and sounds of ordinary life. They felt isolated. And they were starting to get on each other’s nerves. “It was a nice place to visit, but we discovered we couldn’t live there,” said the couple.

Marriage as an isolated tropical island existence is an illusion. Newlyweds learn, to their bewilderment, that the honeymoon cannot last forever. Entering marriage, many couples imagine their future lives together will be paradise. They believe they have found their perfect mate. Their beloved will meet their every need, an unrealistic expectation that can sabotage marriage. Brides’ magazines and TV romances groom us to expect this from marriage. Every couple shapes their marriage partnership differently, but deciding how much time to spend alone, as a couple and in other relationships and activities is a challenge.

Lief Keirwald, family ministry specialist, explains in Marriage and the Spirituality of Intimacy (St. Anthony Messenger Press), “A part of me expects Rene to satisfy all my needs as well as most of my wants. Of course, I know we have different interests, likes and dislikes. Yet I hang onto a dream of always doing everything together – working, playing, loving, parenting—and enjoying every minute of it. Funny though, in my dream we only do the things that I love and enjoy, many of which (in real life) are not the least bit interesting or desirable to Rene.”

Our world must extend beyond just the two of us. We need other people and experiences. Keirwald recommends developing habits and activities that develop our circles of friends, individuals and couples: “We would likely not stay married if we existed only in each other’s worlds. We constantly need fresh input from those around us to liven our souls and check our egos.” We enrich each other when we share these experiences and insights with our spouse. Also, it is in the world “out there” that we have our prophetic potential. We are a living expression of the hope that marriage is possible and even attractive. People will benefit by getting to know each of us as individuals and as partners.

Still, as life goes on, married couples spend more and more time scattered in many directions. Family and jobs draw them out into the world, and they need to retreat now and then. They need to be continually reminded to refocus on their relationship. With life so busy and complex, we may need to intentionally plan to interact in a meaningful way. Throughout our marriages, we need to “visit the island”, to arrange for pure couple time and focused attention.

For a strong and lasting partnership, married couples need the skill of balancing cozy couple time with their public interests and friendships. Keirwald expresses it this way: “When we use our partnership skills in marriage, we not only nurture our friendship and love, we also symbolize and reveal God’s active love for all people. As Christian believers, our covenant of love is much more than just a personal promise between us. It is a model of lasting love for all believers. And it is in our partnership that this is best expressed everyday.”