Lauri Przybysz

Ask happy couples who have been married for a long time for their secret to success, and you will invariably get an answer: Commitment and Friendship. Everyone talks about commitment, or lack thereof, as a key to the future of marriage. We know that young people are starting to think commitment to one partner for life is a relic of the moldy past. (See 2002 State of Our Unions report: Why Men Won’t Commit).

It is equally as important to look again at friendship as a life-sustaining aspect of durable marriages. Many people will tell you that they were friends with their spouses to begin with, but not anymore. Now they are just married. Yet, what people want most from marriage is a soul-mate, a best friend for life. Yet many couples don’t realize that friendships need to be nurtured.

What erodes friendship of husband and wife? Think about any friends who drift apart: They spend less and less time together; they stop paying attention to each other’s interests; they forget to inquire about each other’s hopes and dreams; they stop listening and do all the talking. Soon, they are strangers. We don’t ever want that to happen between us.

A simple beginning to preserving or renewing our friendship: We can renew our efforts to talk like friends. Married people are always told that they must communicate, but we often take this to mean problem solving. Friends don’t just talking just to solve problems and resolve conflicts. Friends want to know how you’re doing – really. They tell you the best joke they heard recently; the new short-cut they discovered, the movie you don’t want to see. They cheer you up or share their fears. They tell you what they are going through at this time in their lives.

Think about the last conversation you had with your spouse. This morning, we talked about plans for shopping, when he was going to fix the shower, who was going to pick up the girls, and how to remove the back seat from the minivan. When was the last time you two talked about ideas, memories, hopes and dreams? I’ll give you a topic; talk amongst yourselves:

• Read the same book. Pick a time to talk about what you have read. Some couple read to each other.
• Reminisce about your courtship. What qualities first attracted you to each other before you married? Go through this list and pick 5 qualities, then share them with your spouse.

Describe how your spouse displayed that quality (For example, “you had a great sense of humor. You always could make me laugh.”)

Even when we make time to relax together, go out to dinner, or lay down at night, we so often spoil the moment with family concerns or work issues. “You might be surprised how powerful it can be for the two of you to simply agree that some times will be “friend times” and therefore off limits for conflicts and issues, “ says Scott Stanley in A Lasting Promise: A Christian Guide for Fighting for Your Marriage, (Jossey-Bass,1998) “A friend is someone who’s glad to see you and doesn’t have any immediate plans for your improvement”, says Bill Coffin, long-time marriage educator and a collaborator on the book.

• Plan a quiet time with now distractions: Dessert at a cozy restaurant, a long walk without the dog, a soak in the hot tub. Take turns picking topics: a memory from your childhood, personal goals, current events like sports or politics – anything but problem solutions or hot-buttons in your relationship.
• Work on a joint project that gives you time to chat: a church supper, garage sale, re-decorating, leaf-raking, snow-removal. Teamwork builds partnership.

When we are intentional about acting like friends, we can recapture the warm feeling of the friendship that is a cornerstone of our marriage. Don’t buy into an expectation that married people can’t stay friends. You can.